I’m not sure how many of my literal 10s of readers had to study “phonics” in elementary school, but I did – a lot. Every year from first through sixth grade, I diligently worked my way through a phonics textbook and workbook.
If you don’t know what phonics means, I am frankly surprised you can read at all 🙂 JK.
Anyway, it’s a set of principles that teach reading through learning the relationships between sounds and groups of letters, and a set of rules for those groups of letters … like I before E except for like a million different exceptions. And read, read, tear and tear are all pronounced differently, but lead and led are the same. Also, through, though, rough,
Basically, GFY.
Phonics helped me, however, It made me a fairly competent “speller,” too. In fact, I won my classroom, grade, and P.S. 46 spelling bee and went on to rep the borough of Staten Island by spelling aloud, in front of a gathering of nerds, a variety of tough words: Milieu, Chiaroscuro, Idiosyncrasy, Irascible.
I was ready to be triumphant, but I tripped up on a meatball toss of a word … When asked to spell “Paragraph,” I stepped to the microphone and confidently, nay smugly (well as smug as a 11-year-old can be) and said, “Paragraph … P, A, R, A, G, R, P, H … Par-a … crap”
I left out the final A. Fail. … Or should I type Fil. Anyway, since then Vowels have been my mortal enemy.
If you are keeping track my mortal enemies include, Vowels, Pseudo Arch Nemesis MYERSON!, and Anything Artificially Grape Flavored, People Who Prefer Decaf, and a rotating list of people with whom I interact with daily.
What does this have to do with triathlon?
Very little.
But I’m about to make the leap.
Hills are my mortal enemy. And I does come before E because to go to hell, you have to climb a hill.
Anyway.
I signed up for the White Mountains Half Iron, again, after famously and loudly saying “NEVER AGAIN! If I sign up for this race again, you can punch me.” twice. I’ve said that twice, btw.
Anyway, I recently completed it.
And I am reminded of two things: 1) I am an idiot. 2) White Mountains means mountains.
Anyway, the only part of this course that doesn’t have elevation gain is the swim. And even that is questionable.
And my name was mispronounced no less than a handful of times – and Crack-cah-la-cocoa is a new one, so kudos.
So the bike course is wild, and has like 4300 feet of elevation gain in 56 miles and I swear half of that is in the final seven miles. I saw three people crying in the last seven miles and I too gassed to even offer a “keep working!”
And the run? It is a cruel four-loop course in which there is a painfully dramatic uphill climb and a wildly dramatic downhill. Each time I managed the downhill without face planting I wanted a round of applause.
But the run course did give me this amazing photo of me pacing Renee. (JK, she is a full six miles ahead of me – I was starting loop one and she was starting loop three.).
There is no reason for this course. None. And I know this, and yet, I’ve done this event three times now and each time I am SHOCKED at the hills.
Like suddenly the White Mountains will be the White Flats.
The lesson: I am an idiot.
Super Long Race report – faster on the swim, slower in T1 (my sock got stuck – it was raining and I have big feet), a smidge slower on the bike, SO MUCH SPEED on the run. I wound up with a 12 minute PR from the last time out, and it was because I was able to run the whole run course (with the exception of the pre-determined “HIKING” sections). I was more mindful of my bike and not chewing up my legs and it led to a better overall performance.
So I won the Athena division again, because I was the only one to finish again. I won a nice coaster … Again. I have three of them now. But, as I always say, NEVER AGAIN.
Soooo, what am I gonna do with three coasters? I’ll tell you what I am going to do … I am going to be perfectly content having an odd number of White Mountain Triathlon Coasters. I don’t even have enough friends to need four. SO I AM NEVER DOING THIS RACE AGAIN.
That said, I thought now, during taper (I’m 10 days away from IMLP 2023 – WHHHHATTT) to give you a run down of my top 10 best medals.
Also, caveat, this is subjective and would probably be different a week from now.
So buckle up.
But first.
I want you all to see my super sweet SHRINE TO ME. A friend of mine (Captain Marvel) had this made for me several Christmases ago because she didn’t understand why I had a bunch of medals in a fruit bowl.
(Also of note, I still live like I am in college).
Cracolici’s Non-Definitive, Yet Definite, Favorite Finisher Medals (for now)
10. 2009 Trek Across Maine – the thing that probably started it all. On a whim, I was like I would like to ride my bike (it was a K2 aluminum 10-speed I bought at LL Bean) 180 miles across the State of Maine. I tricked my friend Darci into doing it with me. It rained for three consecutive days and I had to sleep on the floor of several gymnasiums. It was hilly. I was hooked. Not only did this start my “I like to torture myself over long distance thing,” but it also gave me an unreasonable hatred of lupines.
9. 2012 Rev3 Maine 70.3 – My first 70.3
I’ve since done a dozen more 70.3 events, totaling 13, but this was my first. It took me seven hours and five minutes, and when I crossed the finish line a) I did not collapse and b) my brother said if I ever wanted to do a 140.6 he would pay my entry fee, thus becoming my first AND ONLY sponsor. I got a flat during that race, and I fell asleep outside during the congratulations BBQ my friend Heather hosted for me. I didn’t walk well for three days.
8. 2013 Rev3 Quassy Olympic – My first podium. My first ball sweat ice bath
My friend, and professional triathlete** Renee was doing the 70.3 of this event which occurred on Sunday – it was known as the Beast of the East. It was a really terrible course. I decided to travel down to ol’ Connecticut to cheer her on and figured hey! I should do the Olympic on Saturday.
Anyway, it was 900000 degrees and the hills were ridiculously stupid and when I crossed the finish line they gave me this medal and the “podium medal” and I nearly fell over because it weighs as much as I do. I was third place Athena.
Also, you know how I said it was 9000 degrees. As soon as I finished and stopped being strangled by this anchor weight, I went right to the cooling kiddie pools and scooted myself in-between a couple of Clydesdales … I had chaffing, a cut on my foot and I could see an oil slick of ball sweat on the surface of the slightly cooler than room temp water. I did not care.
7. 2015 Challenge Maine 70.3 – Zev lies for 13.1 Miles.
During this race, I set a personal record for the number of times I imagined gleefully bludgeoning my friend Zev to death with my shoe. Oh, and I set a significant PR for this course and for the 70.3 distance (at the time).
Long story short, Zev yelled at me the whole run and then in the final mile from his stupid fat bike told me that there was an Athena closing the gap on my lead. Headed into the finisher chute I went full sprint because he yelled 15 seconds … and then I crossed the finish line and looked behind me to see no one.
As I was dry heaving in celebration of my PR and podium, Zev scooted up and said good job and rode away before I could punch him.
I hate that guy.
6. 2020 Desert Storm 218 Miler – Yes, I did all all 218 miles. By myself
Okay, so this was a group effort – and myself and several friends (Wardy, Karla, Ham, Rae, Darci and Hat Matt) all formed a team to see how quickly we could amass 218 miles – it was a tribute running event for Operation Desert Storm.
Three reasons why this medal makes the list. 1) My “friends” named our team, Team Wet Crack” (I HATE THEM). 2) Myself and Sam decided to start the run at 3 am – the same time the operation started. 3) Because we started at 3 am, for a brief few hours “Team Wet Crack” was leading the race. 😑
5. 2022 Sugarloaf Marathon – “I’m in the normal amount of pain”
So after years and years of saying, aloud, that I would never, ever run a stand-alone marathon, I did in fact run a stand alone marathon. This seems to be a trend.
Anyway, during this race – Sam lied to like half the field, unintentionally (She was telling everyone they were halfway there at Mile 11). And, Sarah documented me smiling whilst running. Also, when she asked “How are you doing?” at like Mile 22, I yelled “I’m in the normal amount of pain.”
Also, some lady asked Sam to drive her to the finish because “she was done!” And I think I stole a cookie from a kid after the finish line.
4. 2014 White Mountains – Just kill me bear.
An excerpt from my June 2014 blog post about this race.
“Wow, I’m pretty much alone right now; it’s just me … there are bears here. Shit, I am going to be eaten by a bear and no one will know. Maybe I should just get eaten by a bear. It’s less painful than this shit jerk-fucker of a hill.”
Seriously, in the last two miles, I was praying for a bear to eat me. I was also plotting to cross the finish line and bludgeon the race director with my hand held water bottle.
To this day, this is the race I suffered the most in. It was a shock to me – the bike elevation, the run elevation, the absolute isolation, and it is the only time I’ve ever thought of quitting a race. But then the need for murder took over. And I finished as second place Athena.
3. 2016 Ironman Mont Tremblant – “We’re going overseas!”
My second full Ironman, and I NEEDED A PASSPORT! The running joke was saying we were going overseas whilst driving across the Canadian border. It was a big Team Sustainable Athlete event and it happened to be the first Ironman for Darci, Sarah, Heidi and Cowboy. Also doing the event: myself, Wardy, Renee and Duffah.
It was a great time and I got to practice my french by saying Coca Cola in French -it’s pronounced “COOO-CAAAH Coool-ah”
Oh, and it was a torrential downpour the entire bike, and people are still mad about it.
OH, and at the end of the race poor Renee had to run triage – Darci head was in a bucket, Duffah laid down on a table and didn’t move, Cowboy was wandering around asking for loose change, and I cramped up in both legs. 🙂
2. 2014 Ironman Lake Placid – Thunderbolts of lightning, very very frightening.
Ah, the Ironman that started it all. What a day! Lightning on the swim, riding my bike up a mountain with lightning, hail, torrential downpours and my favorite HUMIDITY ON THE RUN!
Seriously though, I had a great day! I cheesed the whole time. And a very nice, very drunk lady on the back end of the Mirror Lake out-and-back at like 11:00 pm told me to stop by and have a BBQ with her and her family the next day cause she was proud of me.
Finishing an Ironman for the first time is remarkable, but finishing in the Olympic Oval is so special. It gave me a lift and I truly thought I was springint to the the finish. And then I saw video of my “run” and WOOF. Not great.
What was great though was having so many of my friends there to support me on my first IM: Darci, Renee, H-Fa, Wardy, Denise, Doug (I really hope they have recovered from their sore feet) were all there, and my brother and his family were there. It was awesome.
So you are probably wondering, what could possibly be No. 1 if it isn’t my first Ironman finisher medal? The medal I earned after trying to irrationally kick a frog on river road because I thought it was hopping faster than I was running at mile 136 (it was actually faster than me, and I missed on the kick). The medal I earned being stabbed by tiny bees (rain drops) while careening down the Keene decent. The medal my nephew Benny stole and showed me his nose fits directly into the i-dot. The medal I earned while my friends suffered through rain and heat and then informed me as I climbed the final big hill of the run that their feet were sore.
WELL I WILL TELL YOU
NO. 1 – THE REJECT FROM THE HOUSE OF CRAP EVEN LIBERACE THOUGHT WAS OVER-THE-TOP – IMLP 2021
Look, I know a lot of people were drinking more heavily during the pandemic. But, I feel like even at my drunkest, most asinine, most unintelligible moment (my junior year of college), I would have said – “hey, that looks awful”
Anyway, that 2021 race was a hold-over from a Covid-cancelled 2020 registration. And it was a doozy. Myself, Wardy and Sarah all started and finished that day – some of us (Wardy & Sarah) hours ahead and others with three minutes left. But you know what, they didn’t get the extra special med tent trip that they only give out to elite triathletes like myself.
This was another fun event that was attended by a bunch of my friends, including Captain Marvel, my nephews (one of whom was super mad I didn’t tell him I was friends with Captain Marvel), and a bunch of my Team Sustainable friends – including Renee who was very mean to me in the last four miles (and I am eternally grateful because I would not have finished).
“YOU DO NOT HAVE PLENTY OF TIME!”
Anyway, I am hoping 2023 will earn me Ironman finish no. 5 (No. four at IMLP). I’ve done the training, and I’m really glad I tricked everyone into signing up again. .
2023 will feature: Renee, Darci, Sarah , Duffah, Wardy, Cowboy and first-timer Karla. And super spectathletes Heidi, Blaik, Sarah Watts’ eerily kind family, and IMLP’s most famous Emotional-Support Crocodile/Captain Marvel/Mario-Kart-Final-Lap-Cloud.
10 days!
Cracolici Does An Ironman 